Monthly Archives: October 2016

5 Things To Smash If Eagles Lose Next Week

Everyone loves having that guy around who can lose his shit at any second. The kinda guy who tells his wife to shut her trap and go upstairs if she doesn’t like what he has to say. If you are going to have people over a for a game, you need to make sure this type of guy is around for entertainment in case things don’t go your team’s way.

I like to think I have the potential to be this guy at times. It usually depends on the levels of alcohol in my system, but at the very least, I’m a guy who yells at his TV screen too much. That is just the floor of my potential as an angry fan. I haven’t come close to my ceiling yet, but I’m starting to tap into my potential a little. I like to look around the house sometimes to see if I can break anything in case an ugly loss occurs. For the weeks of football coming up, I have prepared household items to obliterate in case things get as awful as that last Eagle game. I have not yet received consent from any of my roommates to move forward with this, but it’s probably better off I don’t ask and leave this as a surprise. Here are 5 things I have put in my smashing arsenal.

  1. Living Room Lamp/Table Combo

eagles-smash-1

This is low risk, high reward. I would start off with some type of angry grasping of the lamp. Chuck that thing aside and proceed to the table. The table isn’t too heavy, but heavy enough for me to use most of my raging strength to launch on my front lawn.

  1. TV Remote

This can also be highly rewarding, but definitely more of a risk. Breaking a piece of technology could be a great stress reducer, but the long term effect of watching TV without a remote could prove to be very damaging and would just add to my long term stress. Still not leaving it out.

  1. My TV

The ultimate TV smash. This would be destructive, dangerous, and extremely costly. I can either do a straight, full on body dive towards the TV, or have two people smash it on top of my head. The easy way would be to just get my hockey stick and swing away. High risk, high reward.

  1. My Neighbors Car
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The Cubs Are Sunk and Their Fans are the Worst in Sports

Tonight, while our Birds take on the Dallas Cowboys in a pivotal primetime matchup, Game 5 of the World Series between the Cleveland Indians and Chicago Cubs will be played at Wrigley Field.

Led by a slew of young talent that Chicago hasn’t seen since Harry Caray had 20/20 vision, the Cubs won 103 games this season, had the best record in the majors, and gave everyone in the Windy City a case of irrational Cubs fever.

The Cubbies cruised through the first round of the playoffs, defeating the San Francisco Giants in four games. Then, despite being down 2-1 in the series, came back to best the Dodgers in six games in the NLCS, which gave them their first National League pennant since 1945.

Now, despite being heavily favored to win the whole damn thing, Chicago finds itself down 3-1 to Cleveland and facing elimination.

Since spring training, this team has been the odds-on favorite to win the World Series, led by some of the best young talent in the game in Kris Bryant, Anthony Rizzo, Javy Baez, Addison Russell and Kyle Hendricks. They also have big name veterans in Ben Zobrist, Aroldis Chapman, Jon Lester, Jake Arrieta and Jason Heyward.

Bottom line, there’s no reason this team shouldn’t win the World Series this year, especially against a team like Cleveland who’s payroll is nearly $70 million less than the Cubs’, and who is missing three of their most talented players this postseason.

Which is what makes the Cubs losing so great.

In my humble opinion, there would be nothing better to see the Indians wrap up the Series right in front of the bitch-ass Cubs fans at Wrigley Sunday night.

You see, to me, nothing is more fascinating in sports than the curse of the Billy Goat. For those who need a quick refresher, the Cubs haven’t won a World Series since 1908. If you’re like me and struggle doing basic math, my calculator says that’s 108 years ago.

That’s quite a long time.

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Eagles-Cowgirls Preview

It’s finally here. Dallas Week. The matchup we’ve all been waiting for. Our Birds head to Big D to take on the first place Cowgirls in a crucial NFC East contest. With the Eagles sitting a game behind Dallas, this game could have huge implications on who takes the division crown when it’s all said and done. Primetime Sunday Night games are always exciting, but there’s always a little more energy when you’re playing a division foe, and your most HATED division foe at that. But before you put the Natty Lights on ice, set out the chips and salsa and throw on your lucky Brian Dawkins jersey, here’s what you need to know about the game:

Who: Eagles (4-2) at Cowboys (5-1)

When: 8:30 p.m. (NBC)

Weather: 75 degrees. 6 mph winds.

Last Meeting: November 8, 2015, Eagles won 33-27 in OT at AT&T Stadium.

What You Need To Know: Quarterback Dak Prescott has done an exceptional job of filling in for the injured Tony Romo in guiding Dallas to a 5-1 record. A fourth-round pick out of Mississippi State, Prescott has carried a strong preseason into the regular season, passing for 1,437 yards in six games thus far. He’s tossed seven touchdowns (six coming in October alone) and has run for three more. In addition he’s thrown just one interception, which came two weeks ago in Dallas’ 30-16 win over Green Bay. Prescott’s 103.9 passer rating in fifth best among NFL quarterbacks, while his 82.8 total QBR ranks first.

The rookie QB plays with great poise, and, like Wentz, has developed into an excellent game manager. In Cole Beasley, Prescott has a safety valve out of the slot who has been one of his favorite targets this season. He’s caught 33 balls for 390 yards and three touchdowns, which leads the team. A Wes Welker type player, Eagles’ safety Malcolm Jenkins could have his hands full with Beasley if he gets the responsibility of shadowing him. With Ron Brooks going down for the season last week, Jenkins is ideally the guy to move into covering the slot.

At age 34 and in his 14th season in the league, Jason Witten is still going strong. While he doesn’t have a touchdown, he’s hauled in 28 receptions for 274 receiving yards. He’s still a factor on the field and can cause problems for the Eagles linebackers in coverage, though they’ve done a solid job of containing opposing teams’ tight ends this season.

Prescott may also get a huge weapon back this week in Dez Bryant, who has been out since Week 3 with a knee injury. Bryant was a limited participant in practice last week, but is expected to play Sunday.

Though Dak has played well, the main task for Jim Schwartz and the Eagles defense will be slowing down rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott, the fourth overall pick in this year’s draft out of Ohio State. I can’t stand the guy or his baby-back-bitch abs, but Elliott has been nothing short of spectacular and is finding himself writing his own history. To be fair though, if you’re the ugliest man on the planet, you have to have SOMETHING good go your way.

Zeke’s carried the ball 137 times for 703 yards, which puts him just 53 yards behind the Titans’ DeMarco Murray for the league lead in rushing (DeMarco has played an extra game). It doesn’t hurt that Elliott runs behind the best offensive line in football, either, and one that gets three-time Pro Bowler Tyron Smith back this week. Just look at Elliott’s game log:

zeke-game-log

For the Eagles, beating the Cowboys’ stonewall offensive line won’t be enough. Over half of Zeke’s rushing yards (383) have come after contact.

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Flyers Off To Their Obligatory Terrible Start

“We’ve had bad starts but we find a way to get our shit together.” – Claude Giroux

Amen, Claude. I’m never going to panic with this team because this shit happens every year. We start off piss poor and there’s always that time where I say to myself “At least the Philadelphia Soul won the Arenabowl.”

It’s just another year of Flyers hockey. When this team goes up 2-0, there’s always that “shits about to get worse” kind of vibe. I hate when this team scores first against the Penguins. They only seem to beat this team in comeback fashion.

Off to 3-5-1 start isn’t the death of us, but it just looks like another year where they will have to bust their tails in the second half of the season. This has become a pattern over the past couple of years and it’s pretty annoying. They can still get back on track in the next month or so, but I get the feeling that they will win some and lose some equally. This group of guys just don’t seem to win in bunches until the latter half of the year.

They at least have made the games fun to watch so far. Last year, they couldn’t score any goals, but so far they are scoring a lot this year. In 3 of their 5 regulation losses, they scored 4 goals. That’s cool and all, but also extremely frustrating. I hope Michael Del Zotto can help when he gets back. He’s not a shut down kinda guy, but he’s far better than Nick Schultz or MacDonald. 

For some reason, the Flyers are playing home tonight at 5pm. It’s a back to back, and they really gotta win this one.

Tonight’s a great day to be hungover and hungry. We got football, Flyers on at 5pm, and of course we got the birds with lovely Al Michaels and hot ass Carrie Underwood singing that cool song before the game.

Go Flyers, Go birds baby.

Written by Mike Cloran

Image Source: MSN.com

Reminders Why The Cowboys Are A Buncha Pansies

I am juiced for this game tomorrow night. Nothing better than Birds-Boys on SNF for first place in the division. The Cowboys have been getting a lot of praise for their 5-1 start due to the play of their rookie tandem at QB and RB. I’m sick of hearing about it. Here are some reasons why the Cowboys still are and always will be a bunch of pansies.

Ezekiel Elliott Wears Crop Tops

zzeke-crop-top

This guy is a loser. No grown ass man I know would be caught dead wearing something like this in public. I don’t care how good of a running back you are. I’m sure Roger Goodell loved it because for a couple minutes he wasn’t the biggest douche on stage at the draft. When I saw Zeke wearing this clown suit I knew he was the perfect fit for the Cowboys.

Dak Prescott Can’t Fight

The Cowboys “star” quarterback got his ass beat in the parking lot of a concert during spring break a few years back. Carson might have thrown an interception before him this season but there is no doubt in my mind that Wentz would open up a can of whoop-ass on the Mississippi State product if the two squared up. I don’t know about you, but if my star QB is gonna get into a parking lot brawl he better make sure he doesn’t get knocked out. Sit down, Dak.

Dez Bryant is Soft

Dez Bryant has missed the last three games of the season with a hairline fracture in his knee. You wanna know the sad part about this? He could have returned weeks ago against the 49ers if he could’ve handled the pain. Jerry Jones stated that if Dez played there was no risk of further injury. All he had to do was tolerate the pain. So what did Dez decide? He not only missed that 49ers game, but missed the two games after it as well. Grow a set of balls you wus and at least make an effort to get out there and test it. Soft as cotton.

Cole Beasley is Sensitive

cole-beasley-tweets

beasley-tweets

This guy and fumbles, gets heckled on Twitter and cries about it. Shut up and hold onto the ball. It’s your job. None of your routes are more than 10 yards down the field anyway. Beasley has been known to spar with fans on Twitter who criticize him. Clearly this guy has daddy issues.

Jerry Jones Loves Scummy Players

Here’s a list of illegal or just downright despicable things his players were arrested for or accused of doing.

Greg Hardy – You guys all know about this bastard. Clearly abused women and Jones was actually dumb enough to sign him and cover for him. In the end they didn’t bring him back because of mounting pressure from the locker room and the public. Most recently Hardy has been arrested for drug charges. All around scumbag here.

Joseph Randle – shoplifting panties because, ya know, millionaire NFL players can’t afford things like this. Downright stupid.

Jay Ratliff – DUI. Because he couldn’t afford a cab I guess.

Dez Bryant – He hit his mom. Need I say more?

Ezekiel Elliott – Accused of domestic abuse by his girlfriend. Clearly the Cowboys love guys who hit women.

There are many more but ya get the point.


I hate this team and I can’t wait for the Eagles to whoop them Sunday night and take their rightful spot atop the NFC East.

Go Birds.

Written by Eric Quinn

Image Source: Eric Hartline – USA Today Sports

Flyers-Pens Saturday Night

Yeah, last night was a shit show. I say that because we didn’t actually come back from this one and lost. If we won, that would have been a beautiful display of hockey. Losing to a hockey team in Arizona will always be embarrassing.

Goaltending has been pretty bad so far, but no one seems to be talking about that. It’s early, but I don’t think we can continue to blame every single goal on Andrew MacDonald. On a side note, it doesn’t look like Phil Kessel will be skating circles around A-Mac this Saturday with the recent reports of him being scratched. That’s a good start.

I saw a Flyers fan start a go fund me on twitter to buy out MacDonald’s contract. This city gets it man.

Andrew MacDonald is really bad. He shouldn’t be playing on a nightly basis and it might be better if we just locked the guy in a closet for the rest of the season. Thank the the lord Del Zotto is almost back. (November 5th)

That being said, our goaltending still has to play a lot better. We don’t have any legitimate stay at home defenseman, so they can’t keep letting in the little squeakers that have been killing us.

A lot of good news though. We are scoring a lot more than I could have dreamed. Everyone who’s supposed to be scoring is scoring. That was the number 1 problem heading into this year, so it’s good to see Hakstol tackling the problems.

Saturday night sounds like a great time to beat the Pens. Nothing would make my night more than another solid babysitting job with Coots on Malkin. The way this season has gone, I’m all for giving the Penguins a solid 2-0, hell maybe even 3-0 lead to start out. Force this thing into overtime and win it in memorable fashion. That’s how we like it.

This is a big year for the PA rivalry. You could say that the matchup took a hit last year, and Washington may have emerged as our top rival currently. For this to be a relevant rivalry, we have to beat them more this year. We could also use some more drama to get this rivalry back to the way we loved. Hopefully someone gives Dave Hakstol a reason to threaten the entire Penguins bench and stand on the boards. I’m looking for something to happen to ignite some juice to make the outdoor game fun later on in the season. Worst comes to worst, I wouldn’t mind throwing out Gudas to do something stupid. Something like “Hey Gudas, go out there and ignore every rule of hockey to hurt someone.” That would do the trick.

Pittsburgh can win 43 Stanley Cups and  they’d still be a trash franchise with the worst fans in the world.

Go Flyers baby.

Written by MIke Cloran

Image Source: Jeannine Leech

Sixers – Thunder Reaction

The Sixers had one of the most satisfying losses in recent memory last night, falling to the Thunder 103 – 97 as Westbrook took over the game in the 4th quarter.

My Three Stars:

1 – Joel Embiid

2 – 2nd String National Anthem Singer

3 – Middle Finger Guy

Joel Embiid

Embiid was the first rookie to score 20 points in under 25 minutes in his first NBA game. And he wasn’t going up against no slouch in Steven Adams.

Adams had trouble handling JoJo. When he stayed back, Embiid had the mid-range J. When he pressed him, JoJo had the quickness and strength to get to the hoop. The touch at the rim will come. And when it does, he’ll be hard to contain. He also blocked Russ. When the recap of a player’s first NBA game has “he blocked Russell Westbrook” as a side note, you know he’s going places.

Joel Embiid doesn’t love to pass, but that’s fine because he’s Joel Embiid… for now. He gets tunnel vision when the ball is in his hands. Something to keep an eye on.

National Anthem Stuff 

The Sixers wouldn’t let the scheduled national anthem singer perform because her jersey said “We Matter.” I wasn’t aware of this until I was in the parking lot leaving the game. My care level is 0 for this. I’m not saying you shouldn’t care. In fact, a good citizen probably would care. I’m just saying I don’t. Ok. Good talk.

I bring this up to give a shout out to the Sixers dancer that stepped in as the backup national anthem singer and KILLED IT. Seriously, she didn’t miss a note, didn’t mess up the lyrics. People started clapping like 7 words earlier than they usually do. Brought the house down.

That’s like if Carson Wentz and Chase Daniel go down and Lane Johnson comes in as the emergency QB and throws for 300 yards and 3 touchdowns.

180 on Nik Stauskas 

I’m officially back on the Nik Stauskas bandwagon. Sometimes you watch a game in person and your opinions shift one way or the other. I’m sure the 24 oz Bud Lights also have an effect.

I’ve been anti-Nik since late last season, but no more. Life’s too short to not pull for the Sauce.  He’s the underdog. The white guy with flare. When he’s on, the city is a better place. Sure he’s got his flaws, but who among us doesn’t? A true man of the people.

When Nik’s confident, he’s a legitimate weapon on offense. Can run the pick and roll, can run off screens and hit 3’s, and once in a while he’ll drive to the rim and dunk on you.

Last night he played well, no two ways about it. Nik beat defensive specialist Andre Roberson off the dribble on a few occasions, and went 5/6 overall.

Chants 

I don’t think any NBA team chants more than your Philadelphia 76ers.

We’ll probably regret the astronomical ego we’re creating in Joel, but as of today, I love it.

Embiid and Jah 

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Good Times in Flyertown Last Night

You can never really turn the channel with these guys ever. There was a lot going on last night. Cubbies, NBA, and then there’s the Flyers quietly playing on CSN. I flipped through all of them, but for the most part kept my eye on this game. There’s a lot of comeback spirit on this team and it showed last night. Down 3-0, the 19 year old kid Travis tips one home from a point shot from another 19 year old guy Ivan.

Travis Konecny is like that little brother you don’t take seriously playing a pickup game with the boys. Only he comes around and scores his first NHL game to start a comeback against the Buffalo Sabres. First of many for the kid and I think many of us already feel like proud older brothers with this guy.

It’s 3-1, and this Sabres defenseman comes across and absolutely clobbers Voracek.

Remember when Han Solo gets killed in the new Star Wars movie and Chewie and the gang get pissed off and blow up the death planet thing? Well that’s basically what happened here. The good guys got pissed off with the death of their friend and they came back within a matter of minutes. First with a Schenn goal, followed by a crazy goal in the crease with Mark Streit.

They go to overtime and don’t score. I had this feeling that we basically already lost. Shootouts suck.

But this team is different. They WON the shootout and I was happy! Shootouts are cool man. In this version of Star Wars, Han Solo (Voracek) comes back from the dead and scores the game winning shootout goal on Kyle Ren (Sabres).

Enough with my cheesy Star Wars shit. Flyers have the Coyotes at home on Thursday night and then the ShitsLady Penguins come to town for a Saturday night game.

You can go back to caring about the Sixers for tonight.

Go Flyers baby.

Written by Mike Cloran

Image Source: Philadelphia Flyers

Sixers 2016-2017 Preview

2016-17 Sixers Preview

Year 1 of Bryan Colangelo got off to a solid start. He drafted the right guys (except for Patrick McCaw), signed some vets that will fit in fine without speeding up the process, and most importantly, has yet to completely throw away one of the assets Hinkie sacrificed himself for.

Dario stuck to his word and came over a year earlier than he probably should have. Joel Embiid’s mythical existence transformed into a real person that was able to play some NBA minutes. He’s real, and he’s spectacular.

This team was ready to go.

Unfortunately, a Ben Simmons broken right foot will has slowed down the hype train like a speed bump on a highway. For his debut, we’ll have to be patient for at least a few more months.

But there’s still a lot going on this season. Let’s dig in, position by position.

Point Guard

Sergio Rodriguez, T.J McConnell, Jerryd Bayless

With Jerryd Bayless out for the first month of the season with a wrist injury, the Sixers will be without a starting caliber point guard for the 4th straight season. Sergio Rodriguez steps in as the “starter” but will likely split minutes with 2nd year point guard T.J. McConnell. Sergio brings that Euro flare to a franchise that will take any excitement it can get.

After 3 lackluster years in the NBA, he played 8 years in Spain. In 2014 he put up an electric 13 points and 6 assists which I guess was good enough to make him the Euroleague MVP.

He’s awful at defense, but gives the Sixers some much needed stability at the 1.

Look for T.J. McConnell to quietly solidify himself as our long term back-up point guard. He finished top 6 in GPG (Grit Per Game) last season. T.J. put up great assist and steal numbers for a rookie, but has zero separation ability.

When Bayless returns, he’ll open up the offense enough to make the wings and bigs comfortable.

Theory: Bayless is fine, but the Sixers are forcing him to sit because the sneakiest way to lose games is by downgrading the position that has the ball the most.

A disguised Tank 4.0! I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’. Stay Woke, guys.

GRADE: NOT AS BAD BUT STILL PRETTY BAD

Shooting Guard

Gerald Henderson, Timothe Luwawu, Nik Stauskas

Gerald Henderson is the clear starter at shooting guard after coming off the bench for a deep Portland backcourt last season. He’s an average 3-and-D type who should be a strong locker room presence.

Timothe Luwawu might see some time in the D League to develop his game. Luwawu has the tools to be a very solid 2 way player, but is still very raw.

Assuming Nik Stauskas makes the team, he has a lot to prove this season. I’ll be the first one to tell you I believed in him at the time of the Kings trade, but he didn’t capitalize on his extra playing time at all last year and was a major disappointment. Now, some of that might be due to the lack of point guard play, but if he’s going to get to the line less than twice a game and be a weak link on defense, he’ll have to shoot a lot better than 32% from three.

Based on his preseason, I’m not very optimistic. He made three field goals in 81 minutes and shot 15.8% from the floor in four games.

GRADE: SHOOTING GUARD MORE LIKE POOT-ING GUARD

Small Forward

Robert Covington, Hollis Thompson

The Sixers are thin at point guard and shooting guard. They are anorexic at small forward. But I will go down sinking on the SS Covington. Robert Covington is the nerdy girl with braces that evolves into a babe at the end of the movie with a little nudge from the popular jock. In this creepy metaphor, that’s Ben Simmons.

When Ben gets healthy he should make sweet music with RoCo. Covington finished 5th in the NBA in 3PT% when a defender was within 4 feet of him, which was always. Simmons drive and kicks to an open Cov in the corner will be a thing.

Hollis is the nerdy girl with braces that, at the end of the movie, still ends up still being a nerdy girl with braces.

GRADE: STOP DRIBBLING AND JUST SHOOT THE BALL, GODDAMN

Power Forward

Dario Saric, Jerami Grant, Ben Simmons

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NBA Preview – Eastern Conference

Did you guys see that electric 6-6 tie the other night? I bet you did. I bet you watched that entire game until the very end. Because you had Larry Fitz or Christine Michael on your fantasy team.

Praise the lord, basketball is officially back. The NBA season starts tonight with Knicks/Cavs at 7:30, and Jazz/Blazers and Spurs/Warriors at 10 and 10:30.

Today I’ll dissect the top-heavy Eastern Conference.

Find the Western Conference preview here.

  1. Cleveland Cavaliers
Player POS PTS REB AST
Kyrie Irving PG 19.6 3 4.7
J.R. Smith SG 12.4 2.8 1.7
LeBron James SF 25.3 7.4 6.8
Kevin Love PF 16 9.9 2.4
Tristan Thompson C 7.8 9 0.8
Bench

Iman Shumpert

 

SG

 

5.8

 

3.8

 

1.7

Kay Felder PG

Key Additions: Mike Dunleavy, Kay Felder

Key Losses: Matthew Dellavedova

Cleveland is good at sports and it makes me sick. Look at these morons.

J.R. makes it OK though.

A few notes on the Cavs:

  • Kevin Love went from being overrated to underrated. He straight up STANKED in the finals, but so did everyone else matched up with Draymond
  • Tristan Thompson (.185 WS/48, 1.5 BPM) is the team’s unsung hero. He’s as important to the Cavaliers as Kyrie (.143, 1.6) and Love (.169, 2.5). Put some respek on his name (is that still cool to say?)
  • Kay felder is nice. The Isaiah Thomas comps will be hot and heavy.
  • Mike Dunleavy is a very solid pick up. He’ll join the Cavs “that guys still playing?” club featuring Richard Jefferson, Channing Frye and James Jones

And yeah, LeBron is the best player in the NBA. Many fans, myself included, moved on from that too soon. Until he proves otherwise, the Cavs should be penciled in to win the East.

Projected Record: 56-26

  1. Boston Celtics
Player POS PTS REB AST
Isaiah Thomas PG 22.2 3 6.2
Avery Bradley SG 15.2 2.9 2.1
Jae Crowdah SF 14.2 5.1 1.8
Amir Johnson PF 7.3 6.4 1.7
Al Horfuhd, dude C 15.2 7.3 3.2
Bench

Mahcus Smaht

 

PG

 

9.1

 

4.2

 

3

Kelly Olynyk C 10 4.1 1.5

Key Additions: Al Horford, Jaylen Brown

Key Losses: Jared Sullinger, Evan Turner

Al Horford is a basketball guy’s guy. Does all the little things. Mid-range sniper with 3-point range. Doesn’t chase stats. Puts the seat down after he’s done. Horford just wins, baby.

But the Celtics are still a superstar away from seriously chasing a title. Signing Horford might be the B-level star that could entice that superstar to jump on board (maybe at the deadline? Butler, George, Cousins???)

Until that happens, Boston will continue to torment opponents with their depth and perimeter defense.

They go 4 deep at guard, with Isaiah Thomas, Avery Bradley, Marcus Smart and Future Sixer Terry Rozier.

Bradley is one of the few guys that makes defense fun to watch.

Who knows, maybe Brad Stevens finds a way to make Jaylen Brown not terrible.

Projected Record: 51-31

  1. Toronto Raptors:
Player POS PTS REB AST
Kyle Lowry PG 21.2 4.7 6.4
DeMar DeRozan SG 23.5 4.5 4
DeMarre Carroll SF 11 4.7 1
Jared Sullinger PF 10.3 8.3 2.3
Jonas Valanciunas C 12.8 9.1 0.7
Bench

Cory Joseph

 

SG

 

8.5

 

2.6

 

3.1

Terrence Ross SF 9.9 2.5 0.8

Key Additions: Jared Sullinger, Jakob Poetl

Key Losses: Bismack Biyombo

The Raptors pushed the Cavs to 6 games in the Eastern Conference Finals, which was cute. While the Cavs lean back in the La-Z boy, the Celtics and Raptors are fighting for cheek space in the love seat. Ya boy pulling out the furniture metaphors.

Toronto has a deep and dynamic backcourt, led by local legend Kyle Lowry. He doesn’t get enough love around here. If the Sixers had the foresight to trade for him instead of Bynum in 2012, it could have been pretty fun. Oh well.

DeRozan’s the kind of guy I’d usually talk shit on, but his proficiency driving to the hoop makes up for his weaknesses. And he’s had one of the greatest “What If” dunks of all time.

They have three other guards that would start on most teams: Cory “Don’t Call Me Corey” Joseph, Terrence “I Scored 51 Points in a Game Once” Ross and Norman “The Sixers Should Have Traded For Me By Now” Powell. I really like Norman Powell.

Jonas Valanciunas is a big goofy white lumberjack that gets boards. They’ll miss Biyombo’s defense. Newly acquired Jared Sullinger doesn’t really help there. Jared Sullinger doesn’t really help anywhere.

Projected Record: 51-31

  1. Detroit Pistons
Player POS PTS REB AST
Reggie Jackson PG 18.8 3.2 6.2
Kentavious Caldwell-Pope SG 14.5 3.7 1.8
Tobias Harris SF 14.7 6.7 2.2
Marcus Morris PF 14.1 5.1 2.5
Andre Drummond C 16.2 14.8 0.8
Bench

Stanley Johnson

 

SF

 

8.1

 

4.2

 

1.6

Ish Smith PG 12.6 4 6.5

Key Additions: Jon Leuer, Ish Smith, Boban Marjanovic

Key Losses: None

The rest of the Eastern Conference will fall somewhere in the following 3 Tiers:

  • The medicore teams nobody really cares about
  • The Knicks and Bulls
  • The tankers

The Pistons are close to breaking free of that 1st tier.  Last year, they simply weren’t built for an 82 game season. So this year they went out and got some solid bench pieces to give a solid starting 5 some rest and provide Van Gundy with some different lineup options.

Jon Leuer and 1st-round pick Henry Ellenson give them stretch bigs to pair with the Reggie Jackson/Andre Drummond pick and roll.

Ish Smith should be fine as the starting PG as Jackson recovers from an injury, and he’ll give them a spark off the bench.

If Stanley Johnson becomes a strong tertiary scorer, the Pistons could be fun.

Especially if Boban gets minutes.

 Projected Record: 44-38

  1. Washington Wizards
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