The Eagles are going to the Super Bowl. The Philadelphia Eagles are going to the Super Bowl. We did it, the dogs, we did it. But I won’t allow our small brains to meddle in the mediocrity of just making it. We need to win. Boston fans are maybe the most insufferable humans on the planet behind vegans. I can’t accept defeat. I won’t accept defeat. And so I make this promise to you;
I will relentlessly and shamelessly fight the despicable and repugnant racist Boston fans on twitter. On all platforms. As if my own livelihood is dependent on the matter I will pettily and foolishly engage the burner accounts, the trolls, and the plain ignorant slobs without end. I will make boisterous claims and promise unreasonable futures with no regard for reality. I will call Tom Brady a system QB when I know it’s not true, and in the next sentence say Bill Belichick is saved by Tom Brady. I will half assedly discredit their titles, and constantly bring up the two time occurrence of a SB loss to the Giants. I will bring up Deflategate and Spygate. I will refer to them as the New England Cheatriots. Unabashedly and with heavy bias shall I fend off the Masshole scum. And finally I will accuse of them of being donkey brained, and to all retorts present this (hand-made) certificate:
NOT donkey brained.
Anyway, it’s 2:30am after the win and I’m pretty drunk and have no idea what that was about but let’s get to that game.
Domination across the board. First downs, time of possession, QB play, rushing game, coverage, turnovers, sacks, pressures, efficiency, everything. The offense? Pretty much fired on all cylinders. Understood we wouldn’t be quick enough to run outside. Took enough shots (successfully) to prevent them stacking the box. Pounded the ball up the middle whenever we could. Rushed for 110 yards on 30 carries. Nick Foles went 26-33, for 352 yards and 3 tuddies with a 141 QBR. ONE FORTY ONE. Nick’s big dick was swinging and we couldn’t have asked much more of him. If he plays like that Feb 4th we’ll have a very good shot of bringing home our first title.
But there are a lot of things we got away with against Case Keenum that Tom Brady will pick apart relentlessly and mercilessly. He just did it to the best secondary in football in the Jags. 10 yard cushions on short yardage situations. Resorting to zone coverage against uptempo offense. Relying on nickels in coverage too heavily and staying flat footed behind, packing the box too tight, relying on one player outside to make big tackles and prevent big gains on screen passes, occasionally not pressuring the quarterback often enough. I’m a fucking IDIOT and I noticed these things, I’m sure half of them are wrong, and I’m definitely sure Tom and Bill will recognize a billion times more. I believe us millennials are witnessing the best Eagles team of our avocado toast eating lifetimes, and think if both teams play their best game we’ll finally come home with the Lombardi and go scorched earth on our own home. Let’s do this baby. Super Bowl week. Go Birds.
Written by: Chuckie
Image credit: blackathlete.net, kxan.com, youtube.com