The Carolina Panthers and Denver Broncos officially kick off the 2016 NFL Regular Season tonight, and unless you spend your Sunday afternoons watching the PBA on ESPN, you’re probably playing fantasy football this season.
And I’m here to tell you that no matter how good your team looks on paper and how good it actually might be, nobody cares.
First and foremost, nobody wants to hear how drunk you got at your draft party and how your pal Steve had to autodraft the last 5 round because he got diarrhea after eating the potato salad your girlfriend made for the event.
Especially early in the season, don’t talk how you’re going for the undefeated season. So you’re 4-0 after four weeks. Cool story, Chad. You’ll probably finish 5-9 and come up with some tired excuse as to how the league commissioner rigged the league.
Don’t be that guy who comes into work on Monday telling all your coworkers about how Aaron Rodgers scored you 59 points or how Dan Bailey set a fantasy record for kicker scoring — or how you need Demaryius Thomas to get juuuuust 495 yards receiving on Monday Night Football to win your matchup.
Those guys around the water cooler may look interested — I assure you, they don’t care. The fact that you told them about it will probably make them root against you. You’re likely already not well liked in the office from telling everyone about your fantasy baseball season, so keep the football chatter to a dull roar.
Like I said, most of us play the game, we watch on Sundays, and we have no interest in the league you set up so you could wreck your pre-teen cousins and feel good about yourself.
Don’t tell people how much money you’ve put into your fantasy leagues, either. That $1,000 buy-in keeper league you’ve been doing for years sounds exciting for everyone who’s in the league and nobody else. If you’re that invested in fantasy sports that you’re dropping a grand for a league, please find a new hobby.
I’m a fan of raising the stakes in a league as much as the next guy, but to a certain extent. Don’t go overboard.
The fact that you’re in 15 leagues really doesn’t impress anyone, and we all know you’re only going to tell us how you’ve won the most titles since starting the league in 7th grade with your buddies — plus, you’re now 26. Furthermore, dropping $10,000 for those 15 leagues you’re in doesn’t make us think you’re rolling in the dough; it actually makes us think you’re a complete and utter moron.
Also, the story about the player you wanted to pick up but who you couldn’t get because your buddy was ahead of you in the waiver process? Yup, people don’t give a shit about that either.
Perhaps most of all, people don’t want to hear your sob story about how you’re the highest scoring team but “faced the wrong team at the wrong” time and are out of the playoff picture.
We’ve heard it before, and we have zero sympathy for you.
So please, do yourself a favor and don’t bring up your fantasy league. Not only do your coworkers not care, your friends and the people in your own league don’t either.
Written by Tyler DiSalle
Image Source: dailysnark.com