Preparing for the Worst

Playoff football is the greatest thing to walk into my life since 2013, and it’s always brought a high better than any drug you can consume at your unemployed drug dealers house. That being said, the extreme low is inevitable, and at the very bottom of our hearts, we know pain is going to surface eventually. The idea of Championship football has torn at our hearts the way Will Smith’s father in and out presence did in the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.  We know that he’s out there and obtainable, but he hasn’t been around often, and when he does arrive, we know it’s not for long. The end of the 2017-2018 NFL season will be right there waiting to walk in our door and end the buffalo chicken dip bangers, but don’t you worry because I’m here to help. With these tips, I will help you leading up to NFL Saturday, and I will help you use whatever anger to your advantage.

Watch Sad Movies All Week to Help Desensitize Yourself From Pain

I’m talking Titanic, Schindler’s List, Manchester by the Sea, Mystic River. Watch movies that give you no faith in humanity. Or just watch a lot of happy movies, but turn them off before the happy ending. Get yourself as depressed as possible for several reasons. This will soften the potential blow of any Nick Foles pick six, and the idea of the Eagles getting a better draft pick will seem like a win. At night, walk over to your nearest Nursing home and just sit there for an hour. This will probably suck more than an Eagles loss. Don’t let the Eagles loss on Saturday be your rock bottom.

Hit Rock Bottom

Yes, this was at the end of the last step, but it’s very important we as Eagles fans make sure we hit rock bottom before the game. Don’t think your job is as secure as you’d like? Give a couple of unexcused absences a shot and see where it takes you. Don’t let pain and suffering bring the game to you, bring the game TO THEM.

As for game day, keep up with the obvious activities. The 4 O’Clock start gives you about three more hours of drinking time, so make sure to manage your time wisely. Get to the tailgate or house party extremely early, make sure your girlfriends make plenty of jello shots, and make the switch from light beer to non-light beer. It’s playoff football, so make sure you drink accordingly.

During the Game

Who knows how this game goes. We could get off to a great start, or Nick Foles could stumble around like your drunk uncle at a family reunion and fail to complete any meaningful passes. If we are down the entire game, do the obvious and blame it all on Nick Foles. That’s the easy one. Now if we are getting blown out at any point, like three touchdowns worth, it’s a good idea to say some very nice things about Donald Trump out loud. We all know wasting your time arguing about sports is stupid and pointless, so make sure you find yourself in a never ending, and unwinnable argument about politics. This is almost guaranteed to make everyone feel better, and distracted about the Eagles losing.

If the Eagles win, that’s great! Just repeat these steps for the next week again.

But..

If the Eagles Lose

Smash someones car:

This could be really fun. I don’t know how I would go about doing this, but angry ex girlfriends do this all the time, so it must be worth it. This would certainly occupy my mind with extreme guilt and shame, so it would work in terms of taking my mind off of the Eagles. Maybe get a couple of bricks and go to town. Get your friends and family to join in and make this an exciting group effort. If the police ask you about it, just deny the whole thing and hope no cameras are around.

Whatever happens Saturday night, just remember that Carson Wentz is still breathing clean air and he’s only 25 years old of age.

Go Birds, and for the love of god, please prepare for the worst my friends.

Written by Mike Cloran

 

 

 

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